Holiday driving tips.

It’s not quite the New Year but Christmas is done and Santa is kicking back at the North Pole having a celebratory¬† beer with the Elves having completed another around the globe multi-drop run. I’m not sure what kilometre rate or load/unload rate he would be on and don’t care to work out his annual salary (if you do then check this out). Factor in Long Service Leave and he should be on a pretty good wicket (not sure what the IR laws are like at the North Pole).

Mean while, back at the ranch… I’ve completed over 1300 km’s this week in less than 2 days with a total sleep period of 86 minutes (I set my alarm for an hour and a half but woke up before it went off). If I’m taken to task I’ll deny it all but the fact remains I’ve gone from Tamworth to Sydney and up to Brisbane in 26 hours.

During this time I’ve had a flat drive tire (1 hour to change), driven through countless inches of remnant cyclonic rain, and put up with the Christmas Holiday traffic. Not to mention the inability to gain traction in the wet conditions whilst climbing the ranges on the NSW North Coast. Finding the diff lock when you are in the top box is near impossible.

Oh the traffic! Yesterday was really quiet but today has been horrendous. I must say that generally the traffic has been slow which from a safety point of view means people are getting the message about speed and danger. However; and it’s a big one; I AM IN A HURRY PEOPLE! To assist me in retaining my sanity please observe the following rules whilst partaking in your annual pilgrimage:

  • If you are doing less than 100 kph use the extreme left lane (lane number 1). Slow vehicles means any vehicle slower than the others and is not based on potential speed, i.e. a Porsche doing 90kph in a 110kph zone should be in the extreme left lane. This is especially true of Learner drivers, bless you all out there trying to fulfil your log book requirements.
  • If a heavy vehicle begins to overtake you (and hopefully you are in lane number 1) do not increase you speed in order to occupy the blind spot, this is just silly and tantamount to what lemmings do.
  • If a heavy vehicle does indeed manage to pass you do not move to the right hand lane and overtake the heavy vehicle, this is as annoying as the same manoeuvre is when completed in square dancing lessons at High School.
  • If a Heavy Vehicle is jockeying for a good position to overtake you at an upcoming overtaking lane (i.e. sitting on your tail at an increasing speed) do not jag the brakes as a demonstration. You will end up getting hurt or worse.
  • and finally… should you approach a round-about with a heavy vehicle in pursuit, please don’t stop to give way to non existent vehicles. This causes great irritation to the heavy vehicle driver and intense pain to the muscles surrounding his/her rectum.
  • If at any stage you are unsure as to the correctness of you driving technique, position yourself next to the passenger window of a heavy vehicle and check for a finger!

Candy CarAnd finally on a happier note… whilst ‘floating’ off the top of a rise at the bottom of which I knew there was a ‘Candy Car’ I glanced down to see my speedometer reading upwards of 110kph, a big no-no in a speed limited vehicle. I rapidly applied all my slow down devices including a knotted handkerchief out the window and having resigned myself to a ticket was pleasantly surprised when the Officer announced over the CB, “That was close”, to which I replied “My Oath it was”, thanks mate I owe you one and I take back everything I have said about your brethren in the past (well most of it anyway).

Good night and happy holidays.